I have heard that song twice in the past ten minutes on the radio.  I have a feeling this is a sign.

Not like everything I do depends on you.

OMG.  Now Sister Sledge is playing.  Haha.  Oh. So Austin and I are back together.  Moments after posting that last entry I called him out of the goodness of my heart to figure out what the fuck is going on between us and he replied by telling me that we never broke up, so he was just angry and threatened.  But his new thing is that he wants to just "get through this weekend".  I told him if he was going to prolong breaking up with me that he was just better off doing it know so that I would not be bitter.  Because bitter ex girlfriends are the worst in the world.  I know I have been there before.

Sometimes I wonder that when Mike died if I did lose my one true love.  I thought Austin would be the one for me.  I thought that he could be my everything.  I thought that I could have found the boy who could complete me.  I thought I found that boy who could make me forget about all of the heartbreak that has occurred throughout my life.  But he seems to just not want to move on.  Last night we spent the night together and this morning I woke up to kisses on my back and this boy who showed so much love that he could not control himself.  Maybe he is using me to lose his virginity.  So now is he done with me?  

Jose never made me felt this way.  Even when we fight he always let me win.  He always made sure that I smiled last.  That I was shining as always.  For some reason, I think the fact that I am Austin's first true girlfriend in like two years make me a guniea pig.  This is his longest relationship and I do not believe that he understands most about how to sacifice in a relationship.  I have been willing to give up my personality as a whole just for love and for once in my life I am not going to subject myself to losing who I am.  I am not going to be nice to his friends who give me the dirtiest looks that a girl can ever be given.  I believe that I am going to go back to my indie roots. 

I was a happier girl then.  With just my indie music and long drives with Flint.  Those were the days when everything had finally clicked  into place.  Even  though we never completely had a relationship, I believe that it was the closest I have ever gotten for someone to completely know me for who I am.  Face value.  Without any hidden meaning.  I have always been afraid to let anyone know that side of me, and I thought I could trust Austin with that side of me, but now I feel like I cannot trust him anymore because I gave him my heart and he had already broken it once.  I cannot continue to have my heart broken.

I want to open up to him, but I have a feeling that he is not going to accept me.  Flint is the only person who I have truly opened up to.  And for some reason I want it to stay that way.

Eick.



 

OMG.  I dropped off of the livejournal scene a while ago, but I now have that craving for blogging again and I decided that it is time that I come back.  The last time I left a note in this rubbish was during the middle of my junior year before I decided to get addicted to myspace which just does not fulfill the same sensation that I got from writing down how my day actually went.  Plus seeing who had the most friends and how many scene girls there are in the world just was not that satisfying to myself.  I believe that the boys are not quite cute there either.  I have no idea how some girls can be attracted to boys who wear more make up then they do.  To me it is just not that attractive.  But then again I am dating a frat boy so I probably could not comment on how attractive boys with make up are.  I am also feeling quite sorry for the girls who idealize hannabeth and audrey kitching.  Oh please! She has pink hair.  What could possibly make that so attractive.

On other words, I am going to now rant about my day.  I went to my philosophy class today only to be disappointed by ebay.  Yes.  I said it ebay.  I refuse to pay attention in my philosophy class now.  I used to be all in depth about it, but then one day I realized that the only thing I had gained from five weeks of classes was how to escape a cougar attack.  I cannot believe I just admitted that, but the man knows nothing.  Or alteast the information that he does know I just dont care about.  Except the cougar attack because one day I might have to face one down.  Iit could happen.

Now on to Austin.  Last night we spent the night together (as we do everynight) and he was totally hogging all of the blankets.  Plus I was sleeping on the inside and I almost feel off of the bed like 30 times.  Thank god there was a wall there or else I would totally be dead.  I mean like a goner.  It would have been horrible.  Tonight I am spending the night at Kellum Hall in his dingy room.  Blah. I hate spending the night there because it is just so gross.  It has like mold on the ceiling I swear.  But I love him so much I guess that it just doesnt bother me that much.  I just love waking up next to him.  He makes me the safest I have ever felt my own entire life.  I feel like this is the boy I could lay my head next to everyday.  It makes me understand that this is someone would could potentially be my soulmate, but I have thought this before only to have my heart broken.  But maybe it takes a couple times to get the story correct.  Sometimes love is more than just that feeling of butterflies in your stomach everytime you see them.  It could be the moment where everything just falls into place and you feel like this is the safest cocoon you have ever been placed in.

I have to go to my history class today in which I have a paper that I techincally did not have to do because it just wasnt worth it.  I will do the next one and just work my little heart out on it.

Plus I have a psychology test I have to study for tonight so I am going to go review for that sucker.  OMGZ.  So much shit to do.  I cannot believe I have put all of this off.  I am such a silly girl.  I mean psychology cannot be that hard.  It is my major for Pete's sake.  I guess I will find out tomorrow ya know.