I have heard that song twice in the past ten minutes on the radio.  I have a feeling this is a sign.

Not like everything I do depends on you.

OMG.  Now Sister Sledge is playing.  Haha.  Oh. So Austin and I are back together.  Moments after posting that last entry I called him out of the goodness of my heart to figure out what the fuck is going on between us and he replied by telling me that we never broke up, so he was just angry and threatened.  But his new thing is that he wants to just "get through this weekend".  I told him if he was going to prolong breaking up with me that he was just better off doing it know so that I would not be bitter.  Because bitter ex girlfriends are the worst in the world.  I know I have been there before.

Sometimes I wonder that when Mike died if I did lose my one true love.  I thought Austin would be the one for me.  I thought that he could be my everything.  I thought that I could have found the boy who could complete me.  I thought I found that boy who could make me forget about all of the heartbreak that has occurred throughout my life.  But he seems to just not want to move on.  Last night we spent the night together and this morning I woke up to kisses on my back and this boy who showed so much love that he could not control himself.  Maybe he is using me to lose his virginity.  So now is he done with me?  

Jose never made me felt this way.  Even when we fight he always let me win.  He always made sure that I smiled last.  That I was shining as always.  For some reason, I think the fact that I am Austin's first true girlfriend in like two years make me a guniea pig.  This is his longest relationship and I do not believe that he understands most about how to sacifice in a relationship.  I have been willing to give up my personality as a whole just for love and for once in my life I am not going to subject myself to losing who I am.  I am not going to be nice to his friends who give me the dirtiest looks that a girl can ever be given.  I believe that I am going to go back to my indie roots. 

I was a happier girl then.  With just my indie music and long drives with Flint.  Those were the days when everything had finally clicked  into place.  Even  though we never completely had a relationship, I believe that it was the closest I have ever gotten for someone to completely know me for who I am.  Face value.  Without any hidden meaning.  I have always been afraid to let anyone know that side of me, and I thought I could trust Austin with that side of me, but now I feel like I cannot trust him anymore because I gave him my heart and he had already broken it once.  I cannot continue to have my heart broken.

I want to open up to him, but I have a feeling that he is not going to accept me.  Flint is the only person who I have truly opened up to.  And for some reason I want it to stay that way.

Eick.